Trippin' Through The World

Sept 9 8:09 PM
Luang Prabang, Laos

        Sabaidi (Good day in Lao). So if you havn't figured things out by the time you've come across my blog I'm traveling (Duh). I'm moving through five different countries over a period of eight and a half months. I will be doing a range of things throughout these countries from teaching, to Muy Thai classes to working with pandas. This entry is essentially for those who don't know what I'm doing out in these countries or how long I'm going to be gone for.  My itinerary is as follows:

-Two months in Laos teaching novice Buhddist monks English. All the way from ages 10-17.
-Two weeks in Thailand , first week spent doing Muay Thai classes and the second doing a cycling tour through Thailand
-Two weeks in Cambodia, first week learning about the culture of Cambodia with the second touring the ancient ruins of Angkor Wat.
-Three weeks in China, one working on a panda reserve project, a week focusing on China's culture, and one last week doing outdoor activities such as boat tours, hiking, rock climbing
-One week back in Thailand on a little island off the coast called Koh Samet, to kickback and enjoy the beach and Thai sun.
-Two months in Phuket, Thailand to start participate in a marine conservation project
-One week in Cape Town, South Africa doing just general travel and sightseeing
-Two and a half months in Johannesburg, South Africa working at a resort located on a game reserve out in the African desert.
-Home! Back to LAX on May 16th 


   (Mekong River, Luang Prabang, Laos)

        It's a lot to do in an 8 month period, and my journey is just starting, I am both excited and nervous for what is in store but whatever happens I will keep you posted as much as I can and tell you my story in the most professionally sarcastic way possible. Feel free to share my experiences with friends and family and I genuinely thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my story and for joining me in my travels!

Cheers.

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Tony Hawk In Cambodia

November 28, 2013
3:00 PM
Siem Reap, Cambodia


               I came to Cambodia with almost no expectations. I didn't really know what I would see or wouldn't see, or if I would even enjoy this place I knew very little about. I have this problem of going places and doing very little previous research about them before hand. Some people might call this stupid, but I like to refer to it more as adventurous. ;) But whatever little expectations I did have for Cambodia, they were blown away. Both the culture and people are rich with things to offer to any type of traveler. I only got to spend two weeks there but I would have gladly extended my stay to explore more of what Cambodia has to offer.

               My first week was spent in a small town called Samraong. No one, and I mean NO ONE has ever heard of this place. Samraong is comprised of lots of small villages here and there and one small market in the middle. This made up the whole of Samraong. Nothing special on the outside. The company I'm with, Greenway, was the only source of Western influence for a few hundred miles around. When walking around town you felt a bit like a celebrity, with all the locals around you either staring at your white pasty skin like you were an alien, whispering "Barang" (which means foreigner) as you walked by or smiling the biggest smile like you were fucking Santa Clause and this was their first real American Christmas.. or a mix of the two. Every child in sight yelled and waved "Hello!" as we walked by as it was the only English they knew. Although very poor the people and atmosphere was warm and welcoming. I quickly grew to enjoy Samraong and Cambodia all together.

              Learning about their culture and working in the orphanage, even though it was for a very short period of time, was an eye opening experience. Through my time in Southeast Asia I've definitely seen poverty, but not like this. This kind of poverty is the 3rd world kind that you see on the Discovery channel. It was borderline malnourished African children covered in flies kind of poverty. The homes were old wooden shacks being held together with rope, old rusted nails, and sometimes even trash fashioned to cover holes or hold rotted wooden beams in place. Their rooves were sometimes made up of thatched woven grass but more often sheets of metal covered the homes positioned in a way that most of the water in the rainy seasons won't leak in. There is no electricity or running water in these areas. Most families bathe in the streams or ponds in the area, which isn't much in the way of hygiene as the pollution is pretty bad. There is trash everywhere you look. The focus on any type of sustainable practice is definitely a foreign concept to these people. Sometimes its hard to take in the overall beauty of the country when you look down at your feet and the roadside and its littered with beer cans, soda cans, crumpled up paper and plastic, and even ironically but not surprisingly, trash bags filled with more trash scattered across the roadsides. The only real way I saw of any form of trash management was that many families would collect it and burn it, which in many cases can be just as bad as just piling it up and leaving it there. Its a sad sight to see. Now if it were you or me in living in these situations of poverty we'd probably off ourselves in a hot minute. But these people seem happy as fucking clams. It's a bit mind boggling and I almost envy them for being able to be so happy under such low living conditions. Especially considering their recent history.

              Now, if you know anything about Cambodian history (which you probably don't because I had no idea before I visited the place) is that these people have been through a lot fairly recently. In the mid 70's there was devil of a man border-lining the douchebaggery of Hitler. His name is Pol Pot and over a period of about 5 years he massacred over 2 million people in what were practically death camps with his band of loyal followers the Khmer Rouge. From what I gather its set the country back a good 20 years at least, in the form of its economy, industrialization, and even culture. Pol Pot was determined to wipe out any semblance of any other culture or race throughout Cambodia and make a pure super race of Cambodians. Some pretty fucked up stuff and very Hitler/Aryan-esk. Many of the older generation Cambodians I spoke with had lived through this seeing as it was only about 30 years ago, and many had seen people they knew and loved, friends and family, dragged into, hurt, killed and ultimately engulfed by the atrocities during these years. Some pretty eye opening shit. Its perplexing how open, friendly, and jubilant Cambodians are with their lives after what they have been through as a common race.

The skulls of the vanquished. Seriously though, those are 

dead people's heads. Fuck you Pol Pot.

              My week in Samraong was spent between Khmer language classes, learning Cambodian culture and volunteering in a local orphanage in the area. Although I only spent a short few days in the orphanage with these kids I felt a connection with them very quickly and as lame and cliche as it sounds they did as much for me as I was doing for them in that short time. Maybe its because I was an orphan myself and adopted at a young age, or or maybe its because usually kids suck, and are annoying, drooling little monsters, or maybe because deep down inside somewhere in my horrible black abyss of a soulless hole, generally refereed to as a "heart", I'm a softy. But these kids were the antithesis of horrible little monsters. They were vibrant happy little creatures with more energy then a coked out Energizer bunny. It was a real pleasure being able to help out at the orphanage while I was there. But before I knew it my week in this tiny, dirty and dusty little paradise was over and I was packing my bags and heading to Siem Reap, one of the biggest and most famous cities of Cambodia.

             The first few days/nights of Siem Reap were spent wandering and carousing the various markets and shops as well as frequenting the hustling and bustling Pub Street which has more bars and restaurants packed into it than you would think could actually fit in an area this small. After a few nights of too many red bull vodkas and dancing on tables and bar tops with locals it was time to really take in the sights and  see what Siem Reap had to offer.

              First on the list was the fabled Angkor Wat. If you don't know what it is you'd be best to look it up. Its the largest religious monument in the world and over 1200 years old. A massive and beautiful ode to the grandeur of the past kings and monarchies of Cambodia

This is Angkor Wat. Duh.

              I arrived at this colossal beast of a temple just before sunrise, around 5 AM,  along with what had to be a few thousand fellow tourists brandishing all sorts of ridiculous touristy outfits and cameras from small handhelds, to phones, to the kind of giant cameras with tri-pods and lenses that stick out 3 feet that you thought only National Geographic could get a hold of. Looking onward was quite the site as the sun slowly rose into the sky, illuminating the temple grounds inch by inch. Five giant stone towers extended upwards towards the sky guarded by 30 foot walls topped with statues of Buddhas and mythical creatures staring down at you menacingly. The inside walls are strewn with hieroglyphics depicting war scenes, beautiful women, kings, ancient writings, intricate patterns and things long past. Quite the site to see.  During sunrise everyone is gathered in front of a pond that stands off to the side of the temple, as it offers the best pictures and view as the sun gradually eclipses Angkor Wat. I snap a few Instagram worthy photos (kidding.. but not really) and opt to check out some of the less populated temple grounds before the masses flood every nook and cranny.

               Now as you can imagine this place is awesome. But there is something that makes my experience better than 99% of any other human's to grace the fields of Angkor Wat. A friend had casually mentioned to me that Tony Hawk was in Cambodia at the same time as I was and how funny it would be if I ran into him. Yeah right dude. I have about as much chance of meeting Tony Hawk as that as banging Kim Kardashian and Mila Kunis at the same time.

Well would you look at that?

           Anyways, as I was taking in the scenery a dirty looking man in mid to late 40's in tattered jeans, a blue Billabong shirt and some old black vans walked by me and something in my brain clicked. I turned around and quickly piped up.

"HEY! Are you Tony Hawk?"

He responded with a fairly unenthusiastic "Yup"

"Man! That shit is crazy, I heard you were in Cambodia but I never thought I'de run into you!" I responded.

           These are easily the dumbest combination of words I could have possibly strung together in a situation like this. But who could have prepared for such an anomaly! If you don't know who Tony Hawk is go die. I've spent a good portion of my life digitally eating shit and button smashing to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater on Nintendo 64 so I was practically stunned with shock and awe. FUCK! But I didn't want to be THAT annoying guy groveling over Tony FUCKING Hawk and no one else seemed to realize who he was, so with a few more parting words we went on our  ways to explore the ruins. At this point even if Angkor Wat was a huge disappointment (which it totally wasn't) I wouldn't even give a shit because I had met Tony Hawk the legend. My day was made and it was only 6 AM.
The rest of the day consisted of checking out the surrounding temples, catching lunch lakeside, and ended with sunset at another temple positioned at tip of a hilltop overlooking Angkor Wat and the surrounding landscape. Quite a site to take in.

            With a few more days of visiting war museums, silk farms, temples, markets, and floating villages my time in Cambodia came to an all too quick and disheartening close. I found myself being slightly jealous of those that I talked to who were exploring more of this amazing country. But alas it was time to go and before I knew it I was back in Suvarnabhumi International Airport in Bangkok waiting in terminal 2 for my flight out to China to start my next adventure. I'm sure I'll see you again one day Cambodia, until then.

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A Painful Two Weeks.

Nov 14, 7:41 PM
Wang Nam Khieo, Thailand




          As the title would suggest the past two weeks have been painful for me. Physically. I spent one week in Singburi, Thailand participating in a Muay Thai boxing class and this week doing a cycling tour and trekking through Wang Nam Khieo, Thailand. For those of you who are unaware what Muay Thai is, it's one of the most popular fighting styles in Southeast Asia. Also known as the "art of eight limbs" because you use both your elbows and knees in addition to hands and feet. Let me run you through the past fourteen painful days of my life.

         Last week was my Muy Thai class. You have to take into consideration a few things. One being that I hadn't been keeping up with my fitness since I left the states about 2 and 1/2 months ago. I haven't been eating clean, I haven't been doing cardio, lifting, anything really. You also need to consider that my history of fighting lessons is minimal to none. Sure I did some Tae Kwon Do when I was younger like every other 13 year old ever, but that doesn't really count for much. I'v'e also never been in a fight, well kinda, but lets go with no. So needless to say this week was going to be a wake up call, and I knew that. I would be waking up at 5 AM to make my way over to the gym, warm up for an hour with running and jump rope, and then train for an hour. Then head back to my accommodation and rinse and repeat at 4 PM in the afternoon. All together it was three to four hours of training a day. My body was not happy with me.

        By the second day I was already struggling. By the end of the week I was in even worse condition, my ankle was swollen from kicking so much, my whole body was sore, my shins were broken and bruised, and it was a painful chore to even walk. But in all honesty I loved it. It was a different pace then other things I've done like the gym, or biking, sports, cross fit, anything really. It kept me very engaged the whole time. The family that was teaching me consisted of a father and two sons. This family made me look like the fat kid in P.E. class on the day when everyone had to run the mile. The sons were in amazing shape. I wouldn't be surprised if they were handed a pair of gloves and thrown in the ring soon after coming out of the womb. The father, who must have been at least 50+ years old never did get tired, and was the one letting me take breaks during training. And although I was battered and broken by the end of the week it was an amazing experience.

      Week two was a cycling tour through a part of Thailand called Wang Nam Khieo. At least 35km a day through the countryside. I have a new found hate for hills. This part of Thailand, with gorgeous rolling hills and countless farms and resorts sprinkled across the landscape. We made our way through vineyards, flower gardens, national parks and even a mushroom farm. They had everything mushroom you could imagine. Mushroom jerky, mushroom fries, mushroom bread, mushroom lotion, mushroom balms, and even mushroom wine. At the end of day three we drove to the top of a national park. It was about a 20 minute ride to the top with a fairly steep incline. The view at the top was tremendous and when we were done I asked if I could take my bike down this beast of a hill. My guide gave me a resounding "Yes" and that's all the motivation I needed and I fired up the GoPro and was on my way down this beast of a hill. I'll be honest, before I even committed to going down this hill I had already accepted the fact that I was probably going to crash. The bike I was using was technically a mountain bike but it wasn't a great piece of human ingenuity by any means. In addition I consider myself a fairly advanced rider but I'm no Dave Mira. I gunned it down this hill as fast as I could without flat out smashing my face into the ground and made it a good 9 minutes until it happened. As I came around a sharp corner I hit the breaks too hard, my back tire slid out and down I went, using my knees and elbow to soften my graceful demise into the dirt, sand and stone. Standing there, bloodied and bruised I waited for my ride. The look on my guides face when she came down in the truck was quite enjoyable when she saw the blood streaming down my legs from the crash. Off to the clinic we went to patch up my poor and bloodied knees. A successful yet painful day of riding.

Later that week instead of cycling through the countryside as per the norm we had scheduled a trek.  For those of you who don't travel much, treks are just trips in which you trudge through the jungle and enjoy nature and shit. Real good stuff from what I hear, even if your not one of those tree hugger types. So I was looking forward to it, but I was in for a surprise. The list of things that made this trip go south quick is fairly extensive. So let me elucidate for you. First things first our guide. Holy shit our guide.

This guy was a moron. He looked like a moron, acted like a moron, sounded like a moron (even though I don't speak Thai), and if I had gotten close enough to him (which I fucking didn't) probably smelled like a moron. The man was probably in his mid to late 30's. He had brown, beaten and weathered skin, obviously from the village life he'd been enjoying for the past thirty whatever years since he crawled out of his undoubtedly just as ugly mother's womb. Please, if you can imagine, for one moment, the skin of one of those old Scottsdale grandmothers with way to much money who have spent more time in a tanning bed since the early 1930's than a normal person spends in a normal bed their whole lives, to the point where there skin is so dark and wrinkled it looks like a Mexican's ball sack... Okay, did you imagine that pretty little picture in your head? Well great, now stretch that ball sack across a 5 foot 6' Thai man's frame, put the brain of a mentally disabled 12 year old in his head and that was my guide for my lovely day trekking through the not so wonderful jungle of Wang Nam Khieo, Thailand. If I haven't't given you a good enough physical description well lets just name the guy Mowgli (Pronounced Mow-glee just in case you had a horrible childhood and never saw the movie and don't know how to speak) for all respective purposes. You know, Mowgli? Mowgli the man cub from the Disney movie The Jungle Book. The one who makes friends with Baloo the bear and gallivants around the jungle avoiding Shere Khan the big bad tiger. He looks, to put it simply, like a monkey boy. Similar to if Mowgli's aspiring acting career took a dive and he fell into a deep depression filled with alcoholism and extreme drug abuse. That is a pretty spot on description.

                                                             Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

Now with Mowgli being our tour guide and all you would think he would have some semblance of the word "hospitality" or "guide" or some general regard for the well being of those he was dragging through this forest. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Because if I didn't know better I would say that Mowgli forgot we were there half the time. There were a few times where he would walk so far ahead of the group that I couldn't see him anymore, and I would just be hoping that I was going in the right direction. Then out of nowhere he would pop up, smile his stupid little smile, and keep on keeping on, without a worry in the world. This guy wouldn't know hospitality if it walked right up to him, greeted him with a warm "Hello sir, how may I assist you today?" upgraded him to the Presidential Suite at the MGM Grand in Vegas, handed him a beer in one hand, a pack of condoms in the other with a hooker wrapped around his waist and sent him on his merry way. A total dipshit. I think Mowgli would have actually have preferred it if we got lost in this mad house of a jungle. Then he could just run off and do whatever the fuck he pleased, whatever that may be, whether it consisted of eating bugs, or swinging from vine to vine or smashing little rocks with bigger rocks to make more little rocks or whatever. Who cares.

Now regardless of the misfortunes of our guide today I still had hopes that this trek could be cool and enjoyable. And even if it wasn't that great, it was only 3 hours right? Or at least what that is what they had told me. The first few hours were fine. My knees were bandaged up from the previous days biking antics but they quickly were torn away by the constant tearing and scraping of the leaves, grass, vines, and every other plant that somehow managed only to hit my newly acquired gashes, leaving them bloody and open for the whole jungle world to do with what they pleased. After awhile I just ignored the pain and just kept on trying to enjoy what little I could of this jungle. But it was hard, I was hot, sweaty, bloody and being lead by someone with probably less of an IQ than my dog. Three hours passed finally and we came upon a river that we were to cross before we arrived at the waterfall, our destination. This supposed waterfall was the reason we trudged through mud, dirt, and spider webs, and razor grass, jungle vines and all such things a normal person would rather avoid. Like I said, in order to get to the waterfall we had to cross this river. So naturally you would assume there would be some safe way to get across this river that our oh so valiant guide had previously fashioned. But no, that would be asking far too much apparently. I see him pull up his pants up to past his knees and waltz right in. Now this river wasn't the Mississippi but if you had lost your footing and slipped into the river there was no way Mowgli or anyone else was going to save you as you helplessly floated away to your unfortunate and wet demise. Again, Mowgli's regard for our safety as his trusted followers was about as apparent as his knowledge of Quantum Physics, which I can only assume was less than none. But alas we made it across unscathed albeit fairly soaked. After we crossed the river and walked downstream a bit we arrived at "the waterfall". If you want to call it that. If I wasn't so exhausted and hungry at this point I would have voiced my displeasure at putting so much effort into trekking towards and looking at such an mediocre and unsatisfying thing as this. If you can imagine a bunch of big black rocks with water pouring over them in every which direction you pretty much have imagined what I was looking at. Now I wasn't expecting Niagara Fucking Falls but seriously? This had to be some sick joke someone was playing on me, getting back at me for some stupid drunken and rude thing I had done long ago and long forgotten about. 

                                                             
                                                              Worthless "Waterfall"


After a surprisingly not so horrible lunch and faking my interest in this excruciatingly uninteresting pile of wet rocks we started to make our journey back. At this point about 5 hours had passed and I was dreading the journey back. At some point the 3 hour trek that I was promised had turned into what was now turning out to be an 8 hour trek. Now I'm not sure if it was a miss-communication of language, or someone had mixed up a 3 and an 8 somewhere (they do look similar I guess?) or if it was just the total incompetency of Mowgli, or a horrible mix of the three. But whatever it was it was apparent that this journey was not 3 hours and that it never, in fact, was supposed to be three hours. I angrily accepted this fact as I bore through the forest only finding comfort in the fact that this journey was finally closer to its end than it was to its beginning.

As we made our way back two things became apparent to me about Mowgli. One being that throughout our little trek he had constantly been filling up his water bottle with river water. Now in Thailand your not even supposed to drink tap water let alone stagnant creek water that probably has diseases the human race hasn't even discovered yet in it. The phrase "It must be something in the water" came to mind and it suddenly became clear to me that this deranged fool had probably been affected from drinking dirty creek water his whole life and that contributed significantly to his stupidity. Or maybe I'm wrong and he was just born dumb. That's probably it. Whatever the case may be the second thing I realized was that Mowgli had a machete. Now I'm no expert but I can guess that a jungle guide uses his machinate to cut through brush that has grown over or vines and plants that have fallen over into the pathway, in which case you cut through them so you and your group can proceed. Pretty basic stuff. But as Mowgli stomped through the forest instead of cutting the debris and vines out of our way he found it a much better use of his time to pick up random tree branches and fashion himself various walking sticks with his machete. He would then use these walking sticks for a short period of time before tossing them off into the wilderness and start laughing hysterically. I'm not sure if it was at this point or before that I realized he was probably not just retarded, but mad, like the crazy or slightly insane kind of mad. Which lead me to another thought. Here we were out in the middle of nowhere in the jungle with a half brain dead, crazy local Thai man brandishing a machete. For all we knew he could be leading us into a  total death trap in which he kills us, cooks us, and eats us out in the middle of nowhere and no one would ever know except his village people, who were probably in on the deal as long as they got some human flesh out of it. Fuck! We were dead for sure. Or maybe I was just being paranoid and my mind was wandering to try and keep myself preoccupied and not thinking about how miserable I was. At this point I didn't even bother with scraping off bugs or brushing away the spider webs I had walked through. It was pointless. Mosquitoes were gnawing at my bloodied knees but at this point I could care less. I was too focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally after what seemed like ages the staff member that was with me, Tuk was her name, piped up to announce that we had only about 10 minutes to the edge of the jungle. Back to civilization at last! It was like sweet music to my ears. It was like Pamela Anderson in her prime before she had been deflowered and filled with putridness and STD's, whispering sweet nothings into my brain on an abandoned island somewhere of the coast of Indonesia with nothing but the warm sun on my face, a cold margarita in my hand and my new found love Ms. Anderson to keep me company. Yeah.. that's pretty much what it sounded like. Freedom. Finally we broke through the dense jungle and I saw the light of day. I was filled with new life and within the next 30 minutes I was back in the truck on my way back to my wonderful hillside resort with my WiFi, hot running water, normal human food, filtered water and bed.

Now I could be all morbid and say there was nothing to gain from my 8 hour trek through the deep bowels of the Thai forest. But that would be selfish and negative of me. True it is that if someone had informed me previous to going on this trek that in fact I would be spending 8 hours (not three) in the hot and humid jungle, that I would rip open my freshly acquired wounds only to be feasted on by half the mosquitoes in Thailand, that I would be lead and guided by Forrest Gump's long lost retarded Thai step brother, and that we were going to go look at a glorified river, I most likely wouldn't have gone. But that would be putting a negative spin on things. And I like to think of myself as a positive person. Shit, I mean I have "Don't worry be happy" tattooed above my Johnson so how negative can I really be. So here goes. If I hadn't endured these 8 hours of pain there is absolutely NO way I would be able to bring you such an enthralling account of my horrible experience. And as my reader you can both live vicariously through me and enjoy my displeasure and discomfort while you sit on the other side of your screen enjoying your overpriced Starbucks coffee while your wrapped up in your Snuggie. The other positive thing about my experience was... well..? I suppose lunch wasn't that bad.

So as you can see, a painful but not uneventful two weeks for me. That is all for now. Good day and goodbye!

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Bangkok. (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content)

Nov 3 2013 12:12 AM
Bangkok, Thailand

              Before you read this one. This one's gonna get down and dirty, so if you are under the age of 18 or you are my mother. Please, for your own sake (and for whatever morals, ethics, and dignity I still have intact after my experience in this city) close this now.


                Usually I have some sly, witty, sarcastic thing to say or open up with. But Bangkok has left me at a loss for words. I've been to clubs, I've been to Vegas, I've had my fair share of partying and doing dumb and crazy shit, I've seen a naked girl or two, but this place is on another level. Lets see if I can find the right words in this brain of mine to paint you an acceptable picture. One that tries (but will ultimately fail because simple words cannot do this place justice) to put this insane city into the slightest of perspective for you. Keep in mind that as I write this, sitting out in front of my hostel, it is almost 1AM and there is club music coming from every corner and crevice, people walking, dancing, drinking, partying, eating, living.. and probably dying in the streets. And there is no sign of this ebbing. Now down to business.

Now, dear reader. I have an interactive reading activity for you.

-If you have been to the Las Vegas strip raise your hand.
-If you have not been to the Las Vegas strip, use said hand, grab your mouse, book a flight and a hotel, and go. Now. Stop reading. And go.

This city, Bangkok, is Vegas on drugs. The type of drugs that don't let you sleep and make you do things that no sane person would do. This city is cheaper, faster, crazier and deserves the nickname "The city that never sleeps" much more than Vegas ever has.

          Lets start from the top. I was like a lost puppy when I got dropped off by Mr. Pong, (an ironically fitting name for this city, you'll find out why later) my cab driver from the airport who, when he didn't understand what I was saying just smiled and laughed and said "Yes yes yes". Nice guy. But like I said, I was like a lost puppy who had just been dropped off in lost puppy paradise filled with treats, toys and owners who were willing to give you what you wanted, when you wanted it, no questions asked. The street is named Khao San Road, and prior to coming to Asia I had never heard of it, but it is infamous in every sense of the word among backpackers and travelers alike.

Khao San Road At Sunset

           I proceeded to walk around a bit, taking in the scenery and sheer feeling of being overwhelmed. Stands of every type of clothing you would want with anything and everything you could think of plastered on said clothing, watches, wristbands, purses, backpacks, electronics, food stands, fruit stands, massage parlors, tattoo parlors, clubs, restaurants, bars, fortune tellers, and suit shops, all in once place for your viewing and participating pleasure. Like I said, overwhelming. I think it was pretty obvious to the locals on the streets that I was a newbie, practically staring, wide eyed, with my jaw just about hitting the floor, not knowing which way to look, like a 10 year old who just saw his dads Playboy for the first time and was trying to keep any sense of composure. At least, I can only assume that is what I looked like, because I had about 100 offers for just about anything and everything from the street salesmen within the first 10 minutes of walking down this road. But I'm a resilient kid, so after 100 or so "No thank you I don't want to buy your shit"'s later, I found myself a hotel and set up shop.

        My first night out and about was pretty standard. Found myself some Wi-Fi and some food, had a few drinks here and there, met a few people around town. And bam! Before I know it I'm stumbling around, dancing in the streets with some English people I met, rapping Biggie Smalls and Tupac songs or cozying up next to some bar blasting Avicci and Steve Aoiki and making an obvious fool of myself dancing around. At one point I was convinced to eat a fried scorpion. Which tasted similar to if you took slime, covered it in charcoal, and fried it. My stomach then decided that "You are a fucking idiot, get that out of me now" so the sidewalk and I got real well acquainted as I threw up scorpion all over the ground. To my surprise no one batted an eye, but I'm sure this isn't the first time they've seen a white guy throwing up bugs. But hey! At least I can say I've eaten scorpion. You can't. I win. Needless to say, I got too drunk and stumbled home at the ripe old time of 12AM. It was an early one for this Arizona cowboy. Welcome to Bangkok Benjamin.

              Then came Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. Any excuse to dress up and act stupid and have a good time is my cup of tea. What happened next wouldn't have ever happened had it not been for my new friend George. George owns the hostel that I stayed at. Cheap rooms, free Wi-Fi, and he offers a little extra something something. He knows this town like the back of his hand. Want to sightsee? He'll tell you what to go see and the cheapest way to get there. Want some good food? He knows where to go. Want to see the things that make Bangkok famous? He'll take you. If you find yourself in Bangkok and have no idea where to go, he can help you out here. And that's exactly what happened to me. Except tonight is special, because tonight is Halloween. People are out in droves, some dressed to the 9's, some who think that covering yourself in fake blood is a Halloween outfit, and some who are just out for a night on the town. I had no idea what to expect.

          The group for the night was just a few people from the hostel. A German, a Puerto Rican, two Canadian girls, our chauffer George and I. First stop was a sort of red light district where hookers line the street outside their clubs. The street is about half a mile long and they are everywhere, apparently this is a hotspot for Japanese men that live in Bangkok. Too many girls, I didn't know what to think... some things that DID come to mind though:

-"Wait, are those braces? Is that girl even 18?"
-"Um that's someone's daughter."
-"You should have retired a long time ago lady, you need a cane, not a dick."
-"People pay money for that one?"
-"If I go in one of those places I am going to get some type of dick flesh eating disease."  

       This was just the start, we proceeded to go through an area that was a mix of gay bars, regular bars, ladyboy bars, regular clubs, strip clubs, ping pong show bars. All blasting music and covered in lights everywhere you looked. Pretty mesmerizing until you remember where the fuck you are and what the fuck is going on in these places. Now this is where it gets weird... and explicit. Hi Mom if you are reading you can stop now. Kay thanks. :) Do you know what a ping pong show is? Depending on where you go, its about 200 Baht (about $6.50 and that includes a free drink). We walked in the door only to see a woman pulling a 15 foot string out of her clam like she's Harry Houdini doing magic tricks. That was the least of it. I won't go into extreme detail, its something you have to experience yourself, but ping pong balls flying all over the place, pictures being drawn (and not with their hands), cigarettes being smoked (again, not with their mouths), razorblades..yes I said razorblades, and I almost got hit in the face with a flying banana. I didn't know whether to be horrified, impressed, depressed, or just plain happy that I wasn't the one on stage... probably a little bit of all of the above?

        After a healthy amount of shock, awe, and a pinch of disgust we moved onto the ladyboy cabaret. The place was crawling with them. We must have been outnumbered 4 to 1. And just to clarify, I'm not gay but some of these girls or boys or "its" or whatever you want to call them were hot. Except for the fact that they had dicks or used to have dicks. That's still weird to me. Most of them have had operations and made the switch. And actually they were all very nice, especially the one that told me she was in love with me. Real nice girl.. errrr...boy or whatever. Shout out to Lanny the Ladyboy, I'll always remember you.

        Next up were the clubs. Now I've been to a lot of clubs before in my life. Its nothing new, after awhile they are all the same. I've just never had to walk through to the back of a 50's style diner to get to one. Standard club, cheap drinks, and plenty of dance beats to keep myself occupied. Met myself a fantastic tatted up Thai woman named Nadia and we proceeded to dance the night away. And the morning away. Because three clubs later it was 830AM and I walked outside only to be assaulted by the horrible sun. I felt like a vampire walking into a deathtrap, which was fitting considering it was Halloween.

         You would think that's where it ended but Nadia was having none of that. Back to Khao San we went. Got ourselves some grub and a few beer towers. I can drink a lot, my friends can drink a lot, but at some point you have to throw in the towel. It's simple science that your body will give up before the bottle does. If it wasn't for me pumping the breaks at 1PM that afternoon and stumbling back home, now with a half asleep drunken Thai girl to take care of, we may have never made it back alive. The look on my newfound friend's faces was fairly priceless when we showed up on the doorstep of my humble Bangkok abode. A mixture of shock and awe at the fact that I was indeed not dead. A shower, a good nap, and dinner was in store. Afterwards with a quick kiss, a Facebook request and some cab money I said my goodbyes to my newfound Thai princess and we parted ways.

         I don't think I could have asked for a better introduction to this city. I am still dumbfounded and speechless as to how this place works and everything about it. I can't tell whether I want to run far far away or stay forever. Whatever expectations I had were taken from me, slammed into the ground, torn up, spit out, crucified and then burned to the ground. This place simply blew me away and I hope that the picture I have painted for you has given you a slight insight into what this place has to offer. Whether that is a good thing or not I haven't quite figured out yet.

Welcome to Bangkok Benjamin.

I think all I can really say is this.


I tip my hat to you Bangkok.


Thank you, and goodnight.

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The Not So Fucked Up Thing About Laos is...

8:27 PM
Oct 31 2013
Bangkok, Thailand


           First things first HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Here's to all you folks back home getting too drunk, wearing tiny outfits that show too much skin, and gettin' spooky. Now that that's out of the way...


             Alright alright alright. Just to be fair since we talked about the The Fucked Up Things About Laos lets talk the good stuff. Like I said before Laos is an awesome country. Lets take a minute and go over the cream of the crop, the crème de le crème, the dopest of the dope, etc. And maybe by the end of this post you'll be on a flight to this fascinating country.


Awesome Thing #1 (We'll call them AT for short)
-The Landscape

             Lets get one thing straight. This country is gorgeous. The Mekong river winds and weaves through the whole country's landscape. The mountains, beautiful and huge, resemble guardians  against a soft mist that never seems to quite fade. Out in the countryside small wooden huts and house dot the miles upon miles of rice fields. Villagers sit outside of their homes weaving baskets out of bamboo, children and dogs run wild through the streets, and packs of water buffalo causally stroll by as you go through and take in the beauty of this country. I spent two months in Laos and never got over how magnificent the views were whether they were from temples atop a hill, a village out in the middle of nowhere or at the gorgeous infinity pool nestled atop a beautiful resort located in central Luang Prabang. If nothing else come here for the scenery.

AT #2
-The People

            If I had to sum up the majority of the locals of Laos that I met in one word it would be genuine. America has plenty of people who say one thing only to do another, places that try to be something their not, things that aren't always as they seem. Laos was a breath of fresh air. These people live simple lives and when you talk to them you can tell they are truly content with what they have, their culture, their families, and their well beings. Every time I needed something I was met with a smile and even if they didn't speak a lick of English you could tell they still wanted to help. There was no ulterior motive, no expectation of reciprocation for their help. Simply a genuine sense of hospitality, pride in their country, and gratitude that you chose their country over everywhere else to see.

          Another thing you can't ignore about these people is they work hard. Their work ethic baffles and embarrasses me at the same time. It makes any work I've ever done look like vacation.
A typical day in the life of many of the novice monks I taught goes a little something like this:

-4AM: Wake up to start the day
-Go out and collect their food for the day from the locals (also known as collecting alms)
-Go to monk school to learn about Budha and other subjects, Math, Science, English etc.
-12PM: Eat lunch, then proceed to meet me at the local library for 2 hours of English lessons.
-Proceed to go back to the temple to do work
-Leave again to attend yet another English school
-Do homework and study until about 10PM when they went to bed
-Rinse and repeat.

Unless you are one of the following you PROBABLY do not work as hard as the Lao people.
1. A crack cocaine dealer workin' the streets of Harlem.
2. A college student who just blew four lines of Adderall (ADD medicine) because you are cramming for your finals and haven't slept for over 24 hours.
3.Work in a sweat shop somewhere in either Asia or Africa.
4. Your a hooker.

If in fact you ARE one of the 4 types of people listed above. I feel bad for you and you should probably work on getting your life together instead of reading my blog posts.

              Anyways! At the same time there is such a laid back sense to this country. A kind of "no worries" attitude about everything. It was a refreshing look into another world's way of living. They might not be at the top of the list for world GDP or income per capita or whatever financially economic standard of living you feel like throwing out there to make yourself sound smarter, but you can't help but think that somewhere down the line they got something right whereas a huge majority of the rest of the world missed the mark.

AT #3
-The Price

             I am by no means rich. I have a budget (although I'm not very good at sticking to it all the time). But this place is cheap. The food is cheap, the booze are cheap, the transportation and accommodation is cheap. You can live like a king out here for what it would cost you to barely stay off the streets back home. On a heavy night of drinking the most I maybe ever spent was $20. The most I paid for a meal? Maybe $12 at one of the nicer restaurants in town. A six hour bus ride down to another town on the "VIP" bus (which is anything but VIP although still very manageable) is $15. If you know what your doing with your money you could stretch a months worth of rent, bills, food, and booze back home into up to 3 months out here in Laos. I had a lady on the main street who always made me some of the best sandwiches I have ever had for less than $2. I can't stress enough that if you can get the plane ticket the rest will be smooth sailing as far as finances go. Awesome.



 AT #4
-The Culture

         This is a totally different part of the world than most of you who are reading this are used too. Seeing as this country is communist they do a better job than most of keeping their culture and way a life intact. And it is very high on their priority list to do so. Buddhism, although very big in Southeast Asia in general, is prevalent everywhere you go in Laos. I can't begin to tell you how many temples I walked through during my stay. There are shrines on every street for Buddha. The monks and novice monks are always strolling through the town in their bright orange robes, whether its collecting alms (their food for the day) in the morning from the locals, walking to school, or simply going to meet up with their other monk friends.

       Their music (which is horrible and probably every westerner ever will hate it) is everywhere. And although it generally sounds like someone is being beaten by a myriad of musical instruments and screaming in agony... it actually starts to grow on you. Not in the way that I will every willingly listen to it, but it becomes standard and you start to appreciate and expect it.

       It all really blends well together. The food, the music, the lifestyle, the scenery. When I first arrived I met people who had dropped everything moved to Laos. The first thing I thought was "Why the fuck would you do that, what happened that was so horrible in your life that you decided to come to this place of all places?" But then after a while I realized. In Laos you can live a good life that is devoid of all the superficial, corporate, mediatized bull shit that comes with Western life. And although Laos personally isn't where I want to settle down, I can't blame those who do. I've said it once I'll say it again, this country is another world and it is amazing in so many different ways. If you find yourself stumbling through Southeast Asia throw this bad boy on your list of places to see, you won't regret it.




     

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The Fucked Up Thing About Laos Is...

Oct 9 2013
7:48 PM



            Ever plan on traveling through Luang Prabang, Laos? Whether your answer is fervent "Hell yes that sounds awesome, get me there NOW!" or a disgusted "No, get that shit out of my face before I puke all over you." or somewhere in the middle here's a list of things you should probably know about Luang Prabang. All the weird, slightly horrifying, and more or less awesome things about this town. And don't get me wrong this place is amazing, but coming from the first world Scottsdale, Arizona where there are as many pairs of fake tits and Maserati's as there are doctors and lawyers (If you know anything about Scottsdale there are ALOT of doctors and lawyers) it is a little bit of a culture shock. But here's the list of things you should know

Fucked up thing #1 (We'll call them FUT's for short) 
-The communist mailboxes

          Just for a little 411 on Laos, it is one of the few remaining communist countries in the world, its no North Korea but there is a lot of censorship and regulation. Dotted around town are these ominous unmarked green mailboxes. I have dubbed these the "Communist Mailboxes". What are they you say?
          Here's an example. Lets say you are an upstanding citizen of Luang Prabang. You support "The Party" in all their endeavors, you go to work every day, you have your Lao family, and you are content and you don't make a fuss. But then there is Jimmy the Lao guy next door. Jimmy has always been a little on the weird side, he seems nice but he's got that look in his eye like he's up to something.. or maybe he's just always drunk? But whatever it may be you don't like Jimmy, he's always talking about weird things and he seems like the kind of person who would support democracy, and you think today is the day Jimmy needs to go. So next thing you know, your writing a little letter to the government, drop it in your handy dandy Communist Mailbox down the road, and off your letter goes. Police get the letter, they check it out, and if Jimmy isn't up to party standard, BAM! Jimmy is carted off never to be seen again. Poor Jimmy :( Now as funny as this sounds its absolutely true, its no joke that this place is a communist country and that you don't talk bad about the government. It all seems very hush hush but you can tell there is a sense of fear and there is it's definitely a system in which neighbors keep one another in check so the government really doesn't have to. Very 1984esk.
          
FUT #2
-The Motorbike Situation

            Everyone, and I mean everyone has a motorbike out here. Even if your rich and you have cars in Laos you also have motorbikes. As far as I can tell there are very few road rules out here (something fairly consistent throughout Southeast Asia). In addition to the lack of road rules their is definitely no age limit or regulations on what you can put on that motorbike.  Here's a few examples:
-Are you 8 years old? Don't worry, as long as you can reach the handlebars you can ride.
-Are you a family of five? Mom, dad, two kids and a baby? Have no fear! Why not take the whole family on a nice motorbike ride down the Mekong River with the only stipulation being that you can actually all fit on the bike (and believe me I've seen it)and they can.
-Are you nine months pregnant? Are you texting on your cell phone? Are you drunk beyond measure and can't stand? Do you have one leg? Do you even have legs? Don't fret, just get on your rickety motorbike and be on your way. I am not kidding when I say anything goes. And not to mention, helmets? Very very optional.

FUT #3
-The Hallway Of Food

             I'm sure there is a more official name, but its probably something I can't pronounce and I like Hallway of Food better. I've already made a post about the food but if you haven't read it or your memory is that of a 90 year old brain dead stoner then here's a quick run down. If you can find it in Laos and its edible (and even if it probably isn't) its there. You have the normal stuff like vegetables and fruits. You have local teas and coffees, sandwiches, fruit shake stands, there are even buffets of local noodle and rice dishes that aren't half bad and dirt cheap. Whole birds barbequed on a stick, pork on a stick, fish on a stick, if you want something they probably have it on a stick somewhere. Then things get slightly weirder, bowls of brains, fried buffalo skin, a whole cooked pig chopped up into its respective parts, legs, intestines, ribs, and of course, the head. Plenty of things to keep those with an adventurous palate on their toes.

FUT #4
-Lack of Police, Ambulances, and Military

           I can't imagine that the governments concern for the general population of the country is at the top of their priority list. In the 5 weeks that I've been here I have seen policemen one time, one ambulance filling up for gas, and a few military trucks here and there. The lack of any type of social services our here is appalling. As far as I can tell its a pretty much a "fend for yourself and hope it works out" situation we have on our hands here in Laos. Good luck!

FUT #5
-The Booze Situation

          If you want to ball on a budget and bad hangovers this place is right down your alley. The LaoLao is the drink of choice out here. A cheap locally made vodka or whiskey. Costing, in many cases, less than the beer (around $1.20 a bottle). A few shots of LaoLao and you'll be on your heels partying the night away or face first in a puddle of your own vomit if your not careful. This shit is potent, it's taste is comparable to that of rubbing alcohol. I've had a few good nights on LaoLao and a few bad mornings too.
        If you plan on spending more than a week or two out here and you don't drink, plan on being bored. The locals caught on a long time ago and they drink constantly. Its not uncommon to see them start in the morning and go late into the night, their numbers dwindling as they find random places to pass out no doubt.
           The spot to go is a bar called Utopia, filled with backpackers and playing some of the only half decent Western music you can find in the whole town, this is the place to be for most younger people visiting Luang Prabang.

FUT #6 Drunk TukTuk Drivers

                  Tuktuks are your main form of transportation in Laos. They are everywhere and they are cheap. Essentially they are rickety old trucks that serve as Taxis for most trips under an hour. For the most part they are safe but its a slight problem when your driver is more drunk than anyone who they are actually driving. Did I mention that these Lao people drink? Alot? A normal, rational person would probably assume that if your job was to transport people from place to place that mayyybbbee you should not spend all day sucking down beers. But this is Laos, and practically anything goes.

                  We had one instance in which we we're headed to a bar in a TukTuk. Being the alcoholic that our driver was he decided that it would be reasonable to fit 14 people on a 10 person ride. Needless to say this rickety old piece of junk didn't hold up and  both our back tires blew out. He proceeded to get out of the car and start changing the wrong (and still inflated) front tire until we yelled at him long enough to get his attention and show him that the back tires were indeed the ones that needed changing. People die on the streets of Lao and drunken driving is definitely a sad reality out in this country.

FUT #7
-Bathrooms

          And last but not least! If I can give you one piece of advice for traveling Southeast Asia it would be BRING TOILET PAPER EVERYWHERE. It's more than awkward when you find yourself stuck in a bathroom with no toilet paper after your stomach decided it didn't like the "whatever the fuck you just ate". And I know I said "bathroom" but a more appropriate phrase would probably be "hole in the ground". There are nice bathrooms out here, but don't expect a western bathroom everywhere you go. Squatters are common and it is definitely a skill that has a fairly unpleasant and unforgiving learning curve.

          And unless your staying at a fairly upscale chances are you'll be practically standing on your toilet when you shower. Its pretty common for there to be a shower head with a heating unit attached to the wall right next to where you do your dirty business. If you want a nice bathroom chances are you are probably going to be paying for it.




           Don't get me wrong. Laos is amazing, and I say all of these things in jest. These are just some of the more comedic things I noticed as I spent time out here. And of course I will follow up with a post on all the wonderful aspects of Laos. Seriously this country is downright awesome and I wouldn't have it any other way.

         

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Grubbin' in Laos.

            Ahh the food of Laos. Ranging from the simple and cheap noodle soup to the still extremely cheap chopped and sautéed'  buffalo sprinkled with caramelized onion and diced fried plantains (small bananas) with a side of local greens and a spicy sweet dipping sauce. You can eat like a king out here for mere shekels. I have had some fairly extravagant meals out here and I don't think I've ever spent more than 10$ on any single meal. The average meal consisting of pork or chicken in some kind of sauce served with sticky or steamed rice will run you maybe 1.50$ - 3.00$. Cost of living out here is ridiculously low. And the booze? Just as cheap, 8000-15000 kip (1-2$) for a big 32oz BeerLao. A bottle of 80 proof LaoLao Vodka? 10000 kip (1.20$) and if you want the "Premium stuff" its gonna hit the pocket book for a whopping 30000 kip (about 3.50$).
          
          I've enjoyed most of the food out here I would say, but the real traditional shit? The stuff they eat every day and have grown up on... well that's another story. Imagine taking a some fish, some random spices you picked from your garden after you decided they looked good that day, fermenting it all, and throwing it in a blender and puréeing it until it looks like brown mush that you would more likely find on the bottom of your shoe than in your food... Well that's what this is.  I don't know what its called but if I never had it again I wouldn't be devastated. But as a guest in a Lao home you just swallow and smile.. and then eat some more of it. Thank god for sticky rice because otherwise I don't know if I would have made it through some of the meals out here without throwing up. I want to like the traditional food out here so bad, and I consider myself open minded when it comes to other cultures food. But my palate just does not agree with some of the stuff. Plain and simple.

         Not to say there isn't good food out here. I've had some wonderful meals in this country. It just ranges from the stuff you see on travel channel, like a bowl of brains of who knows what animal or duck head soup; all the way to the other end of the spectrum with amazing Lao barbeques where they serve you plates of raw meats and veggies and you cook it over open coals right on your table. So fantastic.

          One of the weirder things I've tried since I've been out here? Chicken feet. This particular dish looks like a vegetable sauté with chicken, but instead of the good parts of the chicken they use every part from the actual head all the way to the feet. So after some egging on by the locals I tried it. And it is as horrible as you might imagine. It's all scales and bones, maybe one of the worst things I have ever had but they love the stuff. Maybe one day I can be cultured enough to enjoy some sautéed chicken feet, but today is not that day.

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