Oct 9 2013
7:48 PM
Ever plan on traveling through Luang Prabang, Laos? Whether your answer is fervent "Hell yes that sounds awesome, get me there NOW!" or a disgusted "No, get that shit out of my face before I puke all over you." or somewhere in the middle here's a list of things you should probably know about Luang Prabang. All the weird, slightly horrifying, and more or less awesome things about this town. And don't get me wrong this place is amazing, but coming from the first world Scottsdale, Arizona where there are as many pairs of fake tits and Maserati's as there are doctors and lawyers (If you know anything about Scottsdale there are ALOT of doctors and lawyers) it is a little bit of a culture shock. But here's the list of things you should know
Fucked up thing #1 (We'll call them FUT's for short)
-The communist mailboxes
Just for a little 411 on Laos, it is one of the few remaining communist countries in the world, its no North Korea but there is a lot of censorship and regulation. Dotted around town are these ominous unmarked green mailboxes. I have dubbed these the "Communist Mailboxes". What are they you say?
Here's an example. Lets say you are an upstanding citizen of Luang Prabang. You support "The Party" in all their endeavors, you go to work every day, you have your Lao family, and you are content and you don't make a fuss. But then there is Jimmy the Lao guy next door. Jimmy has always been a little on the weird side, he seems nice but he's got that look in his eye like he's up to something.. or maybe he's just always drunk? But whatever it may be you don't like Jimmy, he's always talking about weird things and he seems like the kind of person who would support democracy, and you think today is the day Jimmy needs to go. So next thing you know, your writing a little letter to the government, drop it in your handy dandy Communist Mailbox down the road, and off your letter goes. Police get the letter, they check it out, and if Jimmy isn't up to party standard, BAM! Jimmy is carted off never to be seen again. Poor Jimmy :( Now as funny as this sounds its absolutely true, its no joke that this place is a communist country and that you don't talk bad about the government. It all seems very hush hush but you can tell there is a sense of fear and there is it's definitely a system in which neighbors keep one another in check so the government really doesn't have to. Very 1984esk.
FUT #2
-The Motorbike Situation
Everyone, and I mean everyone has a motorbike out here. Even if your rich and you have cars in Laos you also have motorbikes. As far as I can tell there are very few road rules out here (something fairly consistent throughout Southeast Asia). In addition to the lack of road rules their is definitely no age limit or regulations on what you can put on that motorbike. Here's a few examples:
-Are you 8 years old? Don't worry, as long as you can reach the handlebars you can ride.
-Are you a family of five? Mom, dad, two kids and a baby? Have no fear! Why not take the whole family on a nice motorbike ride down the Mekong River with the only stipulation being that you can actually all fit on the bike (and believe me I've seen it)and they can.
-Are you nine months pregnant? Are you texting on your cell phone? Are you drunk beyond measure and can't stand? Do you have one leg? Do you even have legs? Don't fret, just get on your rickety motorbike and be on your way. I am not kidding when I say anything goes. And not to mention, helmets? Very very optional.
FUT #3
-The Hallway Of Food
I'm sure there is a more official name, but its probably something I can't pronounce and I like Hallway of Food better. I've already made a post about the food but if you haven't read it or your memory is that of a 90 year old brain dead stoner then here's a quick run down. If you can find it in Laos and its edible (and even if it probably isn't) its there. You have the normal stuff like vegetables and fruits. You have local teas and coffees, sandwiches, fruit shake stands, there are even buffets of local noodle and rice dishes that aren't half bad and dirt cheap. Whole birds barbequed on a stick, pork on a stick, fish on a stick, if you want something they probably have it on a stick somewhere. Then things get slightly weirder, bowls of brains, fried buffalo skin, a whole cooked pig chopped up into its respective parts, legs, intestines, ribs, and of course, the head. Plenty of things to keep those with an adventurous palate on their toes.
FUT #4
-Lack of Police, Ambulances, and Military
I can't imagine that the governments concern for the general population of the country is at the top of their priority list. In the 5 weeks that I've been here I have seen policemen one time, one ambulance filling up for gas, and a few military trucks here and there. The lack of any type of social services our here is appalling. As far as I can tell its a pretty much a "fend for yourself and hope it works out" situation we have on our hands here in Laos. Good luck!
FUT #5
-The Booze Situation
If you want to ball on a budget and bad hangovers this place is right down your alley. The LaoLao is the drink of choice out here. A cheap locally made vodka or whiskey. Costing, in many cases, less than the beer (around $1.20 a bottle). A few shots of LaoLao and you'll be on your heels partying the night away or face first in a puddle of your own vomit if your not careful. This shit is potent, it's taste is comparable to that of rubbing alcohol. I've had a few good nights on LaoLao and a few bad mornings too.
If you plan on spending more than a week or two out here and you don't drink, plan on being bored. The locals caught on a long time ago and they drink constantly. Its not uncommon to see them start in the morning and go late into the night, their numbers dwindling as they find random places to pass out no doubt.
The spot to go is a bar called Utopia, filled with backpackers and playing some of the only half decent Western music you can find in the whole town, this is the place to be for most younger people visiting Luang Prabang.
FUT #6 Drunk TukTuk Drivers
Tuktuks are your main form of transportation in Laos. They are everywhere and they are cheap. Essentially they are rickety old trucks that serve as Taxis for most trips under an hour. For the most part they are safe but its a slight problem when your driver is more drunk than anyone who they are actually driving. Did I mention that these Lao people drink? Alot? A normal, rational person would probably assume that if your job was to transport people from place to place that mayyybbbee you should not spend all day sucking down beers. But this is Laos, and practically anything goes.
We had one instance in which we we're headed to a bar in a TukTuk. Being the alcoholic that our driver was he decided that it would be reasonable to fit 14 people on a 10 person ride. Needless to say this rickety old piece of junk didn't hold up and both our back tires blew out. He proceeded to get out of the car and start changing the wrong (and still inflated) front tire until we yelled at him long enough to get his attention and show him that the back tires were indeed the ones that needed changing. People die on the streets of Lao and drunken driving is definitely a sad reality out in this country.
FUT #7
-Bathrooms
And last but not least! If I can give you one piece of advice for traveling Southeast Asia it would be BRING TOILET PAPER EVERYWHERE. It's more than awkward when you find yourself stuck in a bathroom with no toilet paper after your stomach decided it didn't like the "whatever the fuck you just ate". And I know I said "bathroom" but a more appropriate phrase would probably be "hole in the ground". There are nice bathrooms out here, but don't expect a western bathroom everywhere you go. Squatters are common and it is definitely a skill that has a fairly unpleasant and unforgiving learning curve.
And unless your staying at a fairly upscale chances are you'll be practically standing on your toilet when you shower. Its pretty common for there to be a shower head with a heating unit attached to the wall right next to where you do your dirty business. If you want a nice bathroom chances are you are probably going to be paying for it.
Don't get me wrong. Laos is amazing, and I say all of these things in jest. These are just some of the more comedic things I noticed as I spent time out here. And of course I will follow up with a post on all the wonderful aspects of Laos. Seriously this country is downright awesome and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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7:48 PM
Ever plan on traveling through Luang Prabang, Laos? Whether your answer is fervent "Hell yes that sounds awesome, get me there NOW!" or a disgusted "No, get that shit out of my face before I puke all over you." or somewhere in the middle here's a list of things you should probably know about Luang Prabang. All the weird, slightly horrifying, and more or less awesome things about this town. And don't get me wrong this place is amazing, but coming from the first world Scottsdale, Arizona where there are as many pairs of fake tits and Maserati's as there are doctors and lawyers (If you know anything about Scottsdale there are ALOT of doctors and lawyers) it is a little bit of a culture shock. But here's the list of things you should know
Fucked up thing #1 (We'll call them FUT's for short)
-The communist mailboxes
Just for a little 411 on Laos, it is one of the few remaining communist countries in the world, its no North Korea but there is a lot of censorship and regulation. Dotted around town are these ominous unmarked green mailboxes. I have dubbed these the "Communist Mailboxes". What are they you say?
Here's an example. Lets say you are an upstanding citizen of Luang Prabang. You support "The Party" in all their endeavors, you go to work every day, you have your Lao family, and you are content and you don't make a fuss. But then there is Jimmy the Lao guy next door. Jimmy has always been a little on the weird side, he seems nice but he's got that look in his eye like he's up to something.. or maybe he's just always drunk? But whatever it may be you don't like Jimmy, he's always talking about weird things and he seems like the kind of person who would support democracy, and you think today is the day Jimmy needs to go. So next thing you know, your writing a little letter to the government, drop it in your handy dandy Communist Mailbox down the road, and off your letter goes. Police get the letter, they check it out, and if Jimmy isn't up to party standard, BAM! Jimmy is carted off never to be seen again. Poor Jimmy :( Now as funny as this sounds its absolutely true, its no joke that this place is a communist country and that you don't talk bad about the government. It all seems very hush hush but you can tell there is a sense of fear and there is it's definitely a system in which neighbors keep one another in check so the government really doesn't have to. Very 1984esk.
FUT #2
-The Motorbike Situation
Everyone, and I mean everyone has a motorbike out here. Even if your rich and you have cars in Laos you also have motorbikes. As far as I can tell there are very few road rules out here (something fairly consistent throughout Southeast Asia). In addition to the lack of road rules their is definitely no age limit or regulations on what you can put on that motorbike. Here's a few examples:
-Are you 8 years old? Don't worry, as long as you can reach the handlebars you can ride.
-Are you a family of five? Mom, dad, two kids and a baby? Have no fear! Why not take the whole family on a nice motorbike ride down the Mekong River with the only stipulation being that you can actually all fit on the bike (and believe me I've seen it)and they can.
-Are you nine months pregnant? Are you texting on your cell phone? Are you drunk beyond measure and can't stand? Do you have one leg? Do you even have legs? Don't fret, just get on your rickety motorbike and be on your way. I am not kidding when I say anything goes. And not to mention, helmets? Very very optional.
FUT #3
-The Hallway Of Food
I'm sure there is a more official name, but its probably something I can't pronounce and I like Hallway of Food better. I've already made a post about the food but if you haven't read it or your memory is that of a 90 year old brain dead stoner then here's a quick run down. If you can find it in Laos and its edible (and even if it probably isn't) its there. You have the normal stuff like vegetables and fruits. You have local teas and coffees, sandwiches, fruit shake stands, there are even buffets of local noodle and rice dishes that aren't half bad and dirt cheap. Whole birds barbequed on a stick, pork on a stick, fish on a stick, if you want something they probably have it on a stick somewhere. Then things get slightly weirder, bowls of brains, fried buffalo skin, a whole cooked pig chopped up into its respective parts, legs, intestines, ribs, and of course, the head. Plenty of things to keep those with an adventurous palate on their toes.
FUT #4
-Lack of Police, Ambulances, and Military
I can't imagine that the governments concern for the general population of the country is at the top of their priority list. In the 5 weeks that I've been here I have seen policemen one time, one ambulance filling up for gas, and a few military trucks here and there. The lack of any type of social services our here is appalling. As far as I can tell its a pretty much a "fend for yourself and hope it works out" situation we have on our hands here in Laos. Good luck!
FUT #5
-The Booze Situation
If you want to ball on a budget and bad hangovers this place is right down your alley. The LaoLao is the drink of choice out here. A cheap locally made vodka or whiskey. Costing, in many cases, less than the beer (around $1.20 a bottle). A few shots of LaoLao and you'll be on your heels partying the night away or face first in a puddle of your own vomit if your not careful. This shit is potent, it's taste is comparable to that of rubbing alcohol. I've had a few good nights on LaoLao and a few bad mornings too.
If you plan on spending more than a week or two out here and you don't drink, plan on being bored. The locals caught on a long time ago and they drink constantly. Its not uncommon to see them start in the morning and go late into the night, their numbers dwindling as they find random places to pass out no doubt.
The spot to go is a bar called Utopia, filled with backpackers and playing some of the only half decent Western music you can find in the whole town, this is the place to be for most younger people visiting Luang Prabang.
FUT #6 Drunk TukTuk Drivers
Tuktuks are your main form of transportation in Laos. They are everywhere and they are cheap. Essentially they are rickety old trucks that serve as Taxis for most trips under an hour. For the most part they are safe but its a slight problem when your driver is more drunk than anyone who they are actually driving. Did I mention that these Lao people drink? Alot? A normal, rational person would probably assume that if your job was to transport people from place to place that mayyybbbee you should not spend all day sucking down beers. But this is Laos, and practically anything goes.
We had one instance in which we we're headed to a bar in a TukTuk. Being the alcoholic that our driver was he decided that it would be reasonable to fit 14 people on a 10 person ride. Needless to say this rickety old piece of junk didn't hold up and both our back tires blew out. He proceeded to get out of the car and start changing the wrong (and still inflated) front tire until we yelled at him long enough to get his attention and show him that the back tires were indeed the ones that needed changing. People die on the streets of Lao and drunken driving is definitely a sad reality out in this country.
FUT #7
-Bathrooms
And last but not least! If I can give you one piece of advice for traveling Southeast Asia it would be BRING TOILET PAPER EVERYWHERE. It's more than awkward when you find yourself stuck in a bathroom with no toilet paper after your stomach decided it didn't like the "whatever the fuck you just ate". And I know I said "bathroom" but a more appropriate phrase would probably be "hole in the ground". There are nice bathrooms out here, but don't expect a western bathroom everywhere you go. Squatters are common and it is definitely a skill that has a fairly unpleasant and unforgiving learning curve.
And unless your staying at a fairly upscale chances are you'll be practically standing on your toilet when you shower. Its pretty common for there to be a shower head with a heating unit attached to the wall right next to where you do your dirty business. If you want a nice bathroom chances are you are probably going to be paying for it.
Don't get me wrong. Laos is amazing, and I say all of these things in jest. These are just some of the more comedic things I noticed as I spent time out here. And of course I will follow up with a post on all the wonderful aspects of Laos. Seriously this country is downright awesome and I wouldn't have it any other way.
